I think it is a good accompanying read to Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
The author proposes seven questions that help the “interviewed” or “coached” person to explore the solutions by themselves.
These questions should be incorporated into every-day life.
Coaching is a daily, informal act, not an occasional, formal “It’s Coaching Time!” event.
Habits
To do that we need to fight our ingrained way of tackling problems among our friends, co-workers or employees.
[…] a Duke University says that at least 45 percent of our waking behaviour is habitual. Although we’d like to think we’re in charge, it turns out that we’re not so much controlling how we act with out conscious mind as we are being driven by out subconscious or unconscious mind.
For each of the “essential” coaching questions the mechanism of replacing a habit is explicitly layed out via a form to fill out.
To build an effective new habit, you need five essential components: a reason, a trigger, a micro-habit, effective practice, and a plan.
Making a plan:
- “When this happens …”
- Identify the trigger
- “Instead of …”
- Articulate the old unhelpful habit
- “I will …”
- Define the new reaction
Questions
The basics:
- Ask only one question at a time. Then listen!
- Stick to questions with “What?” (avoid questions with “Why?”)
- Keep silence. At least three seconds after asking a question.
- Acknowledge the answers you get (Say “Yes, that’s good”, “Fantastic”, “Megagut!”)
- Always ask: “And what else?”
“Whats on your mind?”
Skip the small talk and come right into the conversation:
- Coaching for performance
- addressing and solving a specific problem or challenge
- Coaching for development
- to move the focus from the issue to the person dealing with the issue
Deepen focus with 3P’s (People, Projects, Patterns). The difficulty this person is working through has usually to do with a project, person or a pattern of behavior.
Get an undestanding of the context in the mind of the person.
Whatever you are thinking about can also influence th choices you make, so you might not, in fact, make the optimal choice.
“And what else?”
Uncover and create new possibilities!
And possibly buy yourself some time. Listen and you will unearth valuable options for you and your comrade.
“What’s the real challenge here for you?”
Identify the real problem through the person you are helping and let them take responsibility in fixing it themselves.
Let people keep their integrity.
“What do you want?”
The illusion that both parties to the conversation know what the other party whants is pervasive, and it sets the stage for plenty of frustrating exchanges.
Increase engagement with this TERA question. Every person has needs and wants to stay in a state of “safety.”. For that you need to be cautious of the TERA quotient:
- Tribe
- “Are you with me, or are you against me?”
- Expectation
- “Do I know the future or don’t I?”
- Rank
- “Are you more important or less important than me?”
- Autonomy
- “Do I get a say or don’t I?”
“What do you think I could do?” / “What do you want from me?”
Do not ask quickly. First deflect. Find out what the other person might know to do?
Remember the triangle between Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer. Let other people keep their integrity by asking questions.
“If you are saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?”
This is a question mostly for introspection.
Say “yes” more slowly. Maybe it is wise to deflect and help the other people solving it on their own?
Listen to the Great Work Podcast with Bill Jensen
“What was most useful to you?”
Reflection is a form of practice.
Try to learn from what is happening. Remind yourself of the questions and retrieve answers to future ones.
Summary
The key take-away is to listen more and to shut-up with advice in the coaching process. Advice is counter-productive in almost any communication unless it is explicitly asked for. And even then it might pay off to try the coaching questions to lead the solution finding process of others.
Inception may be a good comparison. Help others to find the power of autonomy and creativity within themselves via strategic questions.
Thoughts for myself
- Every “yes” to someone else is a “no” to myself.
- I am feel especially guilty of switching into advice-giving mode.
- To be most effective stay calm and listen.